I've had swine flu or h1n1 or whatever you want to call it. And now it's turned into pneumonia. That's just my fucking life. I think I lost weight from being sick but my weight is just fucking crazy sooo yeah. And my scale is AWOL.
I just want to be 100. Like thats it right. It'll be better. There will be room for gain and I don't think it'll be al that noticeable.
Anyways I have like 6 days worth of school work to catch up on -____-
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Today
Has been about 10 calories.
Just like 2 teeny slat & vinegar lays, while my parents were there so they got the impression i was eating, and now a stick of 5 cal gum. Which is delicious, but it lot the flavor so so so fast. Which I hate.
As long as I can keep myself from eating, it'll stay this much, no way will anyone make me eat today because I'm babysitting, 7-11:30 & I can just say I ate there.
BUUUUT they have good ass food and I know I'll be tempted to eat there. So fuck.
Just like 2 teeny slat & vinegar lays, while my parents were there so they got the impression i was eating, and now a stick of 5 cal gum. Which is delicious, but it lot the flavor so so so fast. Which I hate.
As long as I can keep myself from eating, it'll stay this much, no way will anyone make me eat today because I'm babysitting, 7-11:30 & I can just say I ate there.
BUUUUT they have good ass food and I know I'll be tempted to eat there. So fuck.
Epiphany
That I really dont' appreciate. At all.
I guess that one of the reasons I don't eat is because it'd the only way that I don't think about you. I think about calories, and whether anyone notices, and how I'll avoid eating dinner, or whether anyone notices. I htink about how fat I look and how much I hate my body.
ANd I'd rather be hating myself and be scared of looking in the mirror or at the scale than be thinking about you. And the worst part is, I don't even know how you feel about me. I haven't even talked to you in months & months and you never even explained. The worst part is seeing you and assuming that you don't see me. Knowing that I'M the weak one that I'M the one who still cares. And I don't even know if thats true.
I guess that one of the reasons I don't eat is because it'd the only way that I don't think about you. I think about calories, and whether anyone notices, and how I'll avoid eating dinner, or whether anyone notices. I htink about how fat I look and how much I hate my body.
ANd I'd rather be hating myself and be scared of looking in the mirror or at the scale than be thinking about you. And the worst part is, I don't even know how you feel about me. I haven't even talked to you in months & months and you never even explained. The worst part is seeing you and assuming that you don't see me. Knowing that I'M the weak one that I'M the one who still cares. And I don't even know if thats true.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
fail
failfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfail
FAIL
FAIL
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Egg whites
are my new best friend. 17 calories in 1 egg white, scramble that shit, add some pepper or hot sauce, and its like 30 max. And it has protein. So woo go me.
Thats all I will be eatin. 3 a day max. And going to the gym, even though my legs are about to kill me and it's busy as fuck during the school year and I hate working out when people are around. Because everyone is like 18 & over, because you have to be to go there, but I use my sisters idsince she got surgery. So everyone looks at me because I look 15 -_-
I fit into my size 1 jeans today though. they were a bit tightish on the legs, but comfortable. Like I definately wouldnt wear them a lot because I'm sure I look fat but I feel good being able to fit in the comfortably. I will jsut stick to my 5 and have them look really baggy. It's fine with me because then no one will notice when my legs get even skinnier. And I have the 1's still so i can just say they are my 5's when they get baggy. Because they will.
I just really can jepordize my soccer, it's like the one things I'm good at. And I hate doing this and knowing that I'm letting my one talent go. But I need this, I need the control it gives me, because I'm not the absolute best player ever at soccer, if I was then I probably wouldn't need this. Becaust I have to be the "-est" at something. So now I'm going for skinniest.
Thats all I will be eatin. 3 a day max. And going to the gym, even though my legs are about to kill me and it's busy as fuck during the school year and I hate working out when people are around. Because everyone is like 18 & over, because you have to be to go there, but I use my sisters idsince she got surgery. So everyone looks at me because I look 15 -_-
I fit into my size 1 jeans today though. they were a bit tightish on the legs, but comfortable. Like I definately wouldnt wear them a lot because I'm sure I look fat but I feel good being able to fit in the comfortably. I will jsut stick to my 5 and have them look really baggy. It's fine with me because then no one will notice when my legs get even skinnier. And I have the 1's still so i can just say they are my 5's when they get baggy. Because they will.
I just really can jepordize my soccer, it's like the one things I'm good at. And I hate doing this and knowing that I'm letting my one talent go. But I need this, I need the control it gives me, because I'm not the absolute best player ever at soccer, if I was then I probably wouldn't need this. Becaust I have to be the "-est" at something. So now I'm going for skinniest.
I thought I could give it up
Stop, you know? My parents were getting suspicious, and I was sucking at soccer. So I try to eat normally and of course I love it while I'm eating. But after I just hate myself. But I could have handled that hatred. I think I coul dhave dealt with it and gotten over it. But this isn't just about food anymore. Its about control. I can't cntrol the features I'm born with, or the people who I fall in love with, or who fall in love with me, or the way my head works, or the fact tat I'm a perfectionist who keeps failing, but this is one thing I can control. I can control the fact that nothing solid can enter my body, I can make my body perfect and pure and empty and even though no one else will know how much control I have, I will.
And thats all that really matters.
And thats all that really matters.
Friday, October 2, 2009
btw
JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT. JUST DONT EAT.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Tattoos
fuckyeahtattoos.tumblr.com
Great thinspo. Seriously and looking through the pages is so time consuming I forget to eat.
My sister is freaken 122 pounds & is 5'9. Why can't I have her metabolism? Oh yeah, cause God hates me.
I'm home today from school cause I have an awful stomach ache. Which I'm actually grateful for because now I won't eat. I don;t know if I'm gunna be able to go to practice tonight though, which would be 400 calories less burned off. In fact it would be a giant ZERO calories burned off. ANother bummer is that my sister is home and she's being a giant bitch lately, she is so incredibly selfish and uncaring to my mom. Its really sad, she thinks that since she's in college now she can do whatever the fuck she wants, and she really can't.
I want to go to the gym tomorrow, For my weight, running at the pace of a 9 minute mile for 30 minutes would burn 264 calories. Theres this great website that has like any exercise ever and will tell you how much you burn. http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/calories_burned.asp
Jumping rope burns so many calories but I haven't been able to find one around here, I need to go out and buy one.
I would burn about 140 every 15 minutes. That's and insane amount.
Anywyas I ate too much yesterday, under 1000 I think but my parents made me eat dinner with them, even though I said I wasn't hungry, and I wasn't. Hopefully I can fast today, then burn about 450 at practice, and if I stay for the practice after it'll be around 650. And I'll do some weights and sit up and such during the day, and hopefully find a jump rope somewhere around here, I know we have one. Then tomorrow go to the gym and burn another 400 or so and if I can successfully fast then that'll most likely be 0 calories for 3 days, which would hopefully get me down to 118. But I haven't weighed in for a few weeks, and I'm waiting to go to the gym and use the scale there.
I just need to be skinny for homecoming.
Great thinspo. Seriously and looking through the pages is so time consuming I forget to eat.
My sister is freaken 122 pounds & is 5'9. Why can't I have her metabolism? Oh yeah, cause God hates me.
I'm home today from school cause I have an awful stomach ache. Which I'm actually grateful for because now I won't eat. I don;t know if I'm gunna be able to go to practice tonight though, which would be 400 calories less burned off. In fact it would be a giant ZERO calories burned off. ANother bummer is that my sister is home and she's being a giant bitch lately, she is so incredibly selfish and uncaring to my mom. Its really sad, she thinks that since she's in college now she can do whatever the fuck she wants, and she really can't.
I want to go to the gym tomorrow, For my weight, running at the pace of a 9 minute mile for 30 minutes would burn 264 calories. Theres this great website that has like any exercise ever and will tell you how much you burn. http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/calories_burned.asp
Jumping rope burns so many calories but I haven't been able to find one around here, I need to go out and buy one.
I would burn about 140 every 15 minutes. That's and insane amount.
Anywyas I ate too much yesterday, under 1000 I think but my parents made me eat dinner with them, even though I said I wasn't hungry, and I wasn't. Hopefully I can fast today, then burn about 450 at practice, and if I stay for the practice after it'll be around 650. And I'll do some weights and sit up and such during the day, and hopefully find a jump rope somewhere around here, I know we have one. Then tomorrow go to the gym and burn another 400 or so and if I can successfully fast then that'll most likely be 0 calories for 3 days, which would hopefully get me down to 118. But I haven't weighed in for a few weeks, and I'm waiting to go to the gym and use the scale there.
I just need to be skinny for homecoming.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
COOL MOM
I'm so mad right now.
My mom is making me write down everything I eat for the next few days -_-
See, we have some of her grad students monitoring the weight, height, bmi, body fat etc of our soccer team ,like before and after games. Idk why really I guess they are doing a fucking experiment on us. But the want to get our daily eating habits. OH NO. Not everyones. Just mine. Hm. I wonder fucking why.
Four fucking days of fasting and my mom is already suspicious.
But ha ha ha the joke is on them because their experiment will be fucked, seeing as I'll lie about what I ate.
I just need to get way skinnier arms for homecoming. My collarbones are already way more prominent. Idk, maybe within the next few weeks I'll put some pictures up, now that I actually have followers I mean.
Anyways, nothing so far today, and I'm not that hungry either. But I have practice tonight & I just better not blackout. Its 106 fucking degrees here though so that'd be a good excuse if I did. I think for the last 4 days I'm going to end up with a 200 calorie deficit which means I should have lost 4 pounds. I can tell it's working because I'm bloating really badly today.
I'm not going to weigh until Saturday. I have a game, and that means I'll be weighed, but I cant let anyone notice I've lost 5 or so pound since last weekend so I guess I'll have to put some weights in my socks, or like chug a gallon before they weigh. Or try to duck out of weighing.
I want to know so badly, how much I am. But I'll be crushed if I haven't lost anything, and sometimes the weight all drops off the 4th or 5th day you know, and I don't want to risk bingeing. I guess it's good though because I don't need el madre to be more suspicious.
Anyway good luck with whatever you are doing right now
My mom is making me write down everything I eat for the next few days -_-
See, we have some of her grad students monitoring the weight, height, bmi, body fat etc of our soccer team ,like before and after games. Idk why really I guess they are doing a fucking experiment on us. But the want to get our daily eating habits. OH NO. Not everyones. Just mine. Hm. I wonder fucking why.
Four fucking days of fasting and my mom is already suspicious.
But ha ha ha the joke is on them because their experiment will be fucked, seeing as I'll lie about what I ate.
I just need to get way skinnier arms for homecoming. My collarbones are already way more prominent. Idk, maybe within the next few weeks I'll put some pictures up, now that I actually have followers I mean.
Anyways, nothing so far today, and I'm not that hungry either. But I have practice tonight & I just better not blackout. Its 106 fucking degrees here though so that'd be a good excuse if I did. I think for the last 4 days I'm going to end up with a 200 calorie deficit which means I should have lost 4 pounds. I can tell it's working because I'm bloating really badly today.
I'm not going to weigh until Saturday. I have a game, and that means I'll be weighed, but I cant let anyone notice I've lost 5 or so pound since last weekend so I guess I'll have to put some weights in my socks, or like chug a gallon before they weigh. Or try to duck out of weighing.
I want to know so badly, how much I am. But I'll be crushed if I haven't lost anything, and sometimes the weight all drops off the 4th or 5th day you know, and I don't want to risk bingeing. I guess it's good though because I don't need el madre to be more suspicious.
Anyway good luck with whatever you are doing right now
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