I am the walrus

I HATE LIFE.
So you ever wish that you could just be cold, uncaring. That;s what I want to be like. I know that I can seem to be like, to others, and I do. Nothing seems to affect me, Ice Queen. I can get completely fucked over and look like it didn't even matter. But inside I'm crying, inside I'm dying. I never want to admit to love. That's like admitting to defeat. And I haven't, I've never loved a guy, but then how can they still hurt me so much. Whatever. Because it wasn't even a guy. It was me. You know? No. You don't. I just wish I didn't feel, didn't care. I wish I was the person I project to others.

I seriously do. I'm down to 119 which isn't even good.And the doctor measured me as 5'5 1/2. It's still a 19% bmi. FATUGLYDISGUSTING.
Woo -_- My collarbones, hipbones, wristbones are all under layers of fat and I get bloated with even a sip of water. My thighs shake and theres barely a gap between them anymore. I can grab handfuls of fat on my arms and I practically have a double chin. Why do I see this? I can't not see this, but no one else seems to. Why are their eyes so broken.
I cant even describe how incredibly pissed I am right now. So I won't.
Whatever.
UGH.
No one reads this. I know. Ha so it really wouldn't matter if I did say the shit I'm going through right now, but I won't because I'm so fucking insecure that I can't even show weakness to a page on a website.
At least when I'm pissed at people and at life I don't eat. I just feel like, no, fuck it, people don't give a shit about me so why am I even here. people walk all over me and don't even notice so I'll make them notice. notice me fading away.
I WILL be the skinniest. That's it. Let them think they are better than me when I am 99, 98 pounds. They won't.
SO PISSED.

Anyways. For today:
Two spoonfuls of cereal, about 40
4 caramel candy things, 62
And I played a soccer game which is like -600 counting warm up and stuff.
So YES that's like an over 500 calorie deficit for today as long as I don't have to eat anything more. Which I probably will because I have another game tomorrow and my parents are the dinner nazis.
Which means I should be down 1 pound, if I don't have to eat, which normally I'd put straight back on but I've got waaaaaay more motivation now, and tomorrow is fasting, Monday is fasting & gym, Tuesday I have to eat something because I have practice and I'll probs black out, so maybe some dry toast or some negative cal foods.
And I have to go out and get vitamins and shit too.
Which I don't even know if I should take while fasting because I'm pretty sure it's shit to take them on an empty stomach. Hopefully it'll be fine to take them just on diet sprite and green tea. And if it's not then I'll just feel sick which is even more reason not to eat.
Doesnt it all seem so simple like this? It isn't.

My Plan

This is what I NEED to be beautiful.
ANd I need a job to get this all.
My parents are just so suspicious all the time.

Hair Growth:
B vitamins
niacin, b-3
b-6 and b-12
vitamin A- vegetables, eggs
vitamin C- citurs fruits, peppers
Healthy Skin:
vitamins C (500 to 1000 mg) & E (400 or less)
topical vitamin A
topical vitamin B
vitamin K
zinc and selenium
Weight Loss:
B2, B3, B5, B6
Choline, Inositol
vitamin C

Buy: GNC Womens Ultra Mega Beauty Pack, B vitamins (B3, B6, B12)
topical vitamins A & B

Food:
GUM
broccoli, cauliflower, hot chili, garlic, green beans, apples, grapefruits, oranges, tangerines, clementines
plain popcorn, pickles, hard boiled eggs, corn cob, peach, potatoes, fresh shrimp, sugar free jello, minestrone soup, peanuts, baby carrots, sweet potato, wasa bread, popsicle, pistachio nuts, goldfish, canadian bacon, soybean nuts

Drink:
v8, flavored waters, diet sodas

Movies:
Thin, Perfect Body, Hunger Point

Books:
Wasted, Holy Hunger, Perk!, My Sister's Bones, Passion of Alice, Kessa

Not the beginning

But my beginning here.
Weight: 121
Height: 5'5
God that's so fucking disgusting. I hate myself so much, everytime I look in the mirror or at the scale. Ill think I'm doing well when I fast for a day or so and then I'll walk past a mirror and want to run my head into it and use the shard to cut the fat off my body.
I cant find a tape measure but when I do I'll post my measurements.
So my school starts next Monday, I'm going to be a sophomore in high school. I really hate school. More than your average teen because I;m not your average teen. I like to think I'm much more mature. Anyways, I started my fast Sunday, but I'm failing horribly. I also play soccer, so I need energy for that, its club and it's pretty important to me. But skinny is more important. Way more important. But yes, Sunday, I was doing good all day, I was in my room reading ana blogs, and just plain old books (books are seriously my life, that and ana) and drinking water. I have one of those big plastic green gatorade bottles that like pro footballers always drink from? So i filled it up like twice. But then I went downstairs and ate 2 egg on toast for dinner. I felt so fat. Its maybe like 400 cals tops, because I have it on wheat and with I Can't Believe it's Not Butter, but its my weakness. I'm full english, living in America though, and I guess it just comes through. I guess i felt okay though because I'd burn that off on Monday at practice. But then Monday it was my sister's boyfriends birthday and I had some of his icing off his cupcakes. Do you ever feel like such a failure? Like life is just laughing in your weak face? That is how I feel all the time. I feel the food in my stomach, the fatdisgustingcalories churning and putting layers of fat on my thighs and stomach and arms and hiding my beautiful wrist bones and hip bones. But I can't stop.
Tuesday I did well. Maybe 100 calories, but much much more than I ever want to enter my body. Then today I once again fell victim to egg on toast. I did go to the gym though and did spinning, exercise bike, treadmill and elliptical. I can't endure for long though because of my lack of food energy. Ugh I just want to be thin. I just want to feel light on bony. I want people to hug me and feel my bones and want to be like me. I want to be THIN.

Hi

I'm new to blogging here. Well, I have a personal blogspot but I'm new to ana blogging. I'm not going to say my name because its super unique and no one can know I have an ED. I'm far from new to ana though. I've been ana, on and off, for as long as I can remember. I can recall being a little girl on vacation in Mexico, restricting my calories and sneaking into the gym because you were supposed to be 12 to get in. Ana has a huge old over my life. People who think you can't be ana on and off are totally wrong. Ana will always be there, lurking underneath, waiting for you weakest moment to strike at you. She is my dearest friend and my worst enemy, but I love her. And she is the biggest part of me. For the whole year, I have been embracing and rejecting and dancing a dangerous dance with her, gaining and losing and gaining and losing.
I'm not here to make you ana or to encourage anorexia, because I know the risks and consequences. I'm here for your support and because I need something to save me here. I just want to make it clear that ana is not a choice. Not for me. Ana is as much me as my arm or my stomach itself. And if you have a problem with that, or with my attempt at sanity, then leave. What brought you here in the first place?