Not the beginning

But my beginning here.
Weight: 121
Height: 5'5
God that's so fucking disgusting. I hate myself so much, everytime I look in the mirror or at the scale. Ill think I'm doing well when I fast for a day or so and then I'll walk past a mirror and want to run my head into it and use the shard to cut the fat off my body.
I cant find a tape measure but when I do I'll post my measurements.
So my school starts next Monday, I'm going to be a sophomore in high school. I really hate school. More than your average teen because I;m not your average teen. I like to think I'm much more mature. Anyways, I started my fast Sunday, but I'm failing horribly. I also play soccer, so I need energy for that, its club and it's pretty important to me. But skinny is more important. Way more important. But yes, Sunday, I was doing good all day, I was in my room reading ana blogs, and just plain old books (books are seriously my life, that and ana) and drinking water. I have one of those big plastic green gatorade bottles that like pro footballers always drink from? So i filled it up like twice. But then I went downstairs and ate 2 egg on toast for dinner. I felt so fat. Its maybe like 400 cals tops, because I have it on wheat and with I Can't Believe it's Not Butter, but its my weakness. I'm full english, living in America though, and I guess it just comes through. I guess i felt okay though because I'd burn that off on Monday at practice. But then Monday it was my sister's boyfriends birthday and I had some of his icing off his cupcakes. Do you ever feel like such a failure? Like life is just laughing in your weak face? That is how I feel all the time. I feel the food in my stomach, the fatdisgustingcalories churning and putting layers of fat on my thighs and stomach and arms and hiding my beautiful wrist bones and hip bones. But I can't stop.
Tuesday I did well. Maybe 100 calories, but much much more than I ever want to enter my body. Then today I once again fell victim to egg on toast. I did go to the gym though and did spinning, exercise bike, treadmill and elliptical. I can't endure for long though because of my lack of food energy. Ugh I just want to be thin. I just want to feel light on bony. I want people to hug me and feel my bones and want to be like me. I want to be THIN.

Hi

I'm new to blogging here. Well, I have a personal blogspot but I'm new to ana blogging. I'm not going to say my name because its super unique and no one can know I have an ED. I'm far from new to ana though. I've been ana, on and off, for as long as I can remember. I can recall being a little girl on vacation in Mexico, restricting my calories and sneaking into the gym because you were supposed to be 12 to get in. Ana has a huge old over my life. People who think you can't be ana on and off are totally wrong. Ana will always be there, lurking underneath, waiting for you weakest moment to strike at you. She is my dearest friend and my worst enemy, but I love her. And she is the biggest part of me. For the whole year, I have been embracing and rejecting and dancing a dangerous dance with her, gaining and losing and gaining and losing.
I'm not here to make you ana or to encourage anorexia, because I know the risks and consequences. I'm here for your support and because I need something to save me here. I just want to make it clear that ana is not a choice. Not for me. Ana is as much me as my arm or my stomach itself. And if you have a problem with that, or with my attempt at sanity, then leave. What brought you here in the first place?