SO

I've had swine flu or h1n1 or whatever you want to call it. And now it's turned into pneumonia. That's just my fucking life. I think I lost weight from being sick but my weight is just fucking crazy sooo yeah. And my scale is AWOL.
I just want to be 100. Like thats it right. It'll be better. There will be room for gain and I don't think it'll be al that noticeable.
Anyways I have like 6 days worth of school work to catch up on -____-

Today

Has been about 10 calories.
Just like 2 teeny slat & vinegar lays, while my parents were there so they got the impression i was eating, and now a stick of 5 cal gum. Which is delicious, but it lot the flavor so so so fast. Which I hate.
As long as I can keep myself from eating, it'll stay this much, no way will anyone make me eat today because I'm babysitting, 7-11:30 & I can just say I ate there.
BUUUUT they have good ass food and I know I'll be tempted to eat there. So fuck.

Epiphany

That I really dont' appreciate. At all.
I guess that one of the reasons I don't eat is because it'd the only way that I don't think about you. I think about calories, and whether anyone notices, and how I'll avoid eating dinner, or whether anyone notices. I htink about how fat I look and how much I hate my body.
ANd I'd rather be hating myself and be scared of looking in the mirror or at the scale than be thinking about you. And the worst part is, I don't even know how you feel about me. I haven't even talked to you in months & months and you never even explained. The worst part is seeing you and assuming that you don't see me. Knowing that I'M the weak one that I'M the one who still cares. And I don't even know if thats true.

fail

failfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfail
FAIL

Egg whites

are my new best friend. 17 calories in 1 egg white, scramble that shit, add some pepper or hot sauce, and its like 30 max. And it has protein. So woo go me.
Thats all I will be eatin. 3 a day max. And going to the gym, even though my legs are about to kill me and it's busy as fuck during the school year and I hate working out when people are around. Because everyone is like 18 & over, because you have to be to go there, but I use my sisters idsince she got surgery. So everyone looks at me because I look 15 -_-

I fit into my size 1 jeans today though. they were a bit tightish on the legs, but comfortable. Like I definately wouldnt wear them a lot because I'm sure I look fat but I feel good being able to fit in the comfortably. I will jsut stick to my 5 and have them look really baggy. It's fine with me because then no one will notice when my legs get even skinnier. And I have the 1's still so i can just say they are my 5's when they get baggy. Because they will.
I just really can jepordize my soccer, it's like the one things I'm good at. And I hate doing this and knowing that I'm letting my one talent go. But I need this, I need the control it gives me, because I'm not the absolute best player ever at soccer, if I was then I probably wouldn't need this. Becaust I have to be the "-est" at something. So now I'm going for skinniest.

I thought I could give it up

Stop, you know? My parents were getting suspicious, and I was sucking at soccer. So I try to eat normally and of course I love it while I'm eating. But after I just hate myself. But I could have handled that hatred. I think I coul dhave dealt with it and gotten over it. But this isn't just about food anymore. Its about control. I can't cntrol the features I'm born with, or the people who I fall in love with, or who fall in love with me, or the way my head works, or the fact tat I'm a perfectionist who keeps failing, but this is one thing I can control. I can control the fact that nothing solid can enter my body, I can make my body perfect and pure and empty and even though no one else will know how much control I have, I will.
And thats all that really matters.

btw

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Tattoos

fuckyeahtattoos.tumblr.com

Great thinspo. Seriously and looking through the pages is so time consuming I forget to eat.
My sister is freaken 122 pounds & is 5'9. Why can't I have her metabolism? Oh yeah, cause God hates me.

I'm home today from school cause I have an awful stomach ache. Which I'm actually grateful for because now I won't eat. I don;t know if I'm gunna be able to go to practice tonight though, which would be 400 calories less burned off. In fact it would be a giant ZERO calories burned off. ANother bummer is that my sister is home and she's being a giant bitch lately, she is so incredibly selfish and uncaring to my mom. Its really sad, she thinks that since she's in college now she can do whatever the fuck she wants, and she really can't.
I want to go to the gym tomorrow, For my weight, running at the pace of a 9 minute mile for 30 minutes would burn 264 calories. Theres this great website that has like any exercise ever and will tell you how much you burn. http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/calories_burned.asp
Jumping rope burns so many calories but I haven't been able to find one around here, I need to go out and buy one.
I would burn about 140 every 15 minutes. That's and insane amount.

Anywyas I ate too much yesterday, under 1000 I think but my parents made me eat dinner with them, even though I said I wasn't hungry, and I wasn't. Hopefully I can fast today, then burn about 450 at practice, and if I stay for the practice after it'll be around 650. And I'll do some weights and sit up and such during the day, and hopefully find a jump rope somewhere around here, I know we have one. Then tomorrow go to the gym and burn another 400 or so and if I can successfully fast then that'll most likely be 0 calories for 3 days, which would hopefully get me down to 118. But I haven't weighed in for a few weeks, and I'm waiting to go to the gym and use the scale there.
I just need to be skinny for homecoming.

COOL MOM

I'm so mad right now.
My mom is making me write down everything I eat for the next few days -_-
See, we have some of her grad students monitoring the weight, height, bmi, body fat etc of our soccer team ,like before and after games. Idk why really I guess they are doing a fucking experiment on us. But the want to get our daily eating habits. OH NO. Not everyones. Just mine. Hm. I wonder fucking why.

Four fucking days of fasting and my mom is already suspicious.

But ha ha ha the joke is on them because their experiment will be fucked, seeing as I'll lie about what I ate.

I just need to get way skinnier arms for homecoming. My collarbones are already way more prominent. Idk, maybe within the next few weeks I'll put some pictures up, now that I actually have followers I mean.

Anyways, nothing so far today, and I'm not that hungry either. But I have practice tonight & I just better not blackout. Its 106 fucking degrees here though so that'd be a good excuse if I did. I think for the last 4 days I'm going to end up with a 200 calorie deficit which means I should have lost 4 pounds. I can tell it's working because I'm bloating really badly today.
I'm not going to weigh until Saturday. I have a game, and that means I'll be weighed, but I cant let anyone notice I've lost 5 or so pound since last weekend so I guess I'll have to put some weights in my socks, or like chug a gallon before they weigh. Or try to duck out of weighing.

I want to know so badly, how much I am. But I'll be crushed if I haven't lost anything, and sometimes the weight all drops off the 4th or 5th day you know, and I don't want to risk bingeing. I guess it's good though because I don't need el madre to be more suspicious.

Anyway good luck with whatever you are doing right now

Pretty good

The last two days have been really good.
Yesterday, I can't rememeber if I wrote or not. But I only had 200 calories, which was Hawaiian bread, and I had practice which burned at least 400.
And today I've had a bag of chips, which was 210. I had to have it though because my mom was here for lunch. She wasted to go out for sushi and I really wanted to I LOOOVE sushi, but it had so many calories. And I couldn't let her know that I didn't want to eat, so I gave her attitude and she got mad at me and we didn't go. It was the plan but I feel like shit for it.
I'm glad though because I really need to lose weight before homecoming. My waist has already gone down an inch, to 27 now. I want it to be 22 or 23.
At least my homecmoing dress isnt like super tight on the stomach. I got it a while ago for my friend boxing match but no one saw me in it so I'm just gunna wear it again.
ANyways that doesn;t really relate. Basically, I'm feeling pretty weak shit right now, even when I climb the stairs at school I get really tired, but thats the price. I know that every burning muscle in a burning calorie and thats all I think of. Hopefully I wont have to eat anymore today, I wont by choice because my hunger has already gone away. Lots of water. I'm not even drinking diet soda, mainly because we are out though. My house is seriously like in a permanent drought. It's awful.

Oh and a good thinspo song: Fitter, Happier by Radiohead.

Thanks for supporting me :)

Merde

Sometimes I really hate having friends over. I always over eat. FML.
I need to lose weight by homecoming, because my dress is strapless and the last thing i want are fat little arms and big yucky armpit/shoulder areas. You should know what I'm talking about. If you don't then well what are you doing here, quite frankly.

I'm tired as hell, but at least when I'm tired I sorta forget to eat. Until I have friends over who wake me up -_- But at least I have practice tomorrow so I should burn all my calories for today, or at least be down to like 200 for Monday & Tuesday, as long as I don't eat tomorrow.

I'm sorta thinking of taking a sleeping pill every morning because then I'm in kinda a sleepy stupor all day, but I'm always really focused on finishing things. Hm. We'll see what I decide & 'll tell you if it stops me eating.

All in all though, I'm a pretty big failure. I still haven't gotten my vitamins, and soccer is getting in the way of my fasting. And my ankle is shit right now so I can't go to the gym. I think I will anyways though, if I'm going to be made to play soccer still then why shouldn't I.

Well idk. I just want to lose this ugl fat before homecoming which is like October 10th. I mean, with working out & fasting I think I will easily, I just hope I lose it from the right parts of my body. Right now I am focusing on arms and upper body mainly.

And always remember, don't give up what you want the MOST for what you want in the moment!

COOL

WHEN DID ALMONDS GET SO MANY CALORIES.

fuck fuck fuck fuck i thought they had like none. fuck my life. ive been starving hungry all day and it turns out I've like 700 fucking calories. WHAT THE HELL.

I'm literally sooooo upset right now.
I hate my life.

Living thinspo

Right next to me. My sisters body is soo nice. She got my dad's metabolism.

I love not eating. I love denying food and saying that I've already ate, saying I've eaten so much today I'm not even hungry. I love how people dont know. Don't realize the battle raging in my head and stomach. Haha they are all so weak. They have no control. What do people expect to happen when they get older, no one has a metabolism like that forever. I'm always going to have ana. Shes always going to be here with me, keeping me thin, keeping me beautiful.

And they have nothing. No control over anything in their life.

No no no

fatfatfat

I guess I'm just a completely incompetent person. I used to be just so good at ana. I was the queen. I could hide it, use it, never ever binge. I used to laugh when people weighed over 100 pounds, telling myself I'd never get that fat. And look at me now. 120 fucking pounds. Oh yes, up one. Its so fucking disgusting, I;m so fucking disgusting.

I had my perfect little plan. SO neat and perfect and square and I ruined in, I colored outside the lines.

Home alone today, no school so I'm doing a liquid fast. Water and sprite Zero. I don't trust crystal light because it has calories and it tastes kinda gross to me. Food isn't even a question today. Food is Hitler, and calories are Nazis. I'm a Jew in hiding. Nice analogy actually. I like it.

The only highlight right now is I feel like I've taken, laxatives, & I havent. So I'm going to the bathroom like every 30 minutes. Which makes me happy, like a free colon flush. I actually have laxatives, but I can't take them because I have a game tomorrow morning and I will be total shit. So hope & hope that this actually matters. Because whenever I feel like all this effort is for nothing, I binge. And I WILL NOT BINGE.

I might go out today with my friend so then I can hopefully ask my mom for food money, and instead buy Wasted with it. I like the way thats works really. That would give me a lot of satisfaction. Using my food money for my anorexia.

Nice. Square. Color inside the lines.

Oh and ps. thanks to any followers :)

Hunger

It's coming :(
This is the worst time of the day for me. I have to get through this. So far all I've had is a sprite zero. Which might have like 5 calories or something cause nothing expect water really has 0 calories. But yeah just trying to get through. Looking through thinspo. I seriously love Megan Fox. How is she even so beautiful.
Anyway. The quotes I'm living off right now: Don't give up what you want the most for what you want in the moment.

EERRRGGGGHHHH.



GIVE ME STRENGTH

Morning

Let me tell you, I am shit at waking up early. Oh and I have a black eye from practice last night! -_- Wonderful. Really makes me look so much uglier -_-
Whatever. I have a huge test today in history that I barely studied for, which is so unlike me because I have to get an A+ in everything. I have to control everything.
But yes. Eating. For today the goal is a big, fat 0. I already have shit period cramps so that puts me off eating. I think I'm just going to go downstairs and put some cereal out like I ate some, and then study some more. Lunch I will say I ate at school definately. Its harder for me to do that though because I actually go home after 4th period, which is when lunch start, so my parents always think that I'm lying. Oh well. And then when I finish my homework I'll probably go to the gym. My knee is just PAIN right now from soccer but I'll do some weights or upper body stuff or something. Anything to burn calories. Then hopefully I'll be down to 117, and I just need to keep off what I've burnt.
I dont know about dinner though. I'm thinking that if I go to the gym, and burn over 100 calories then I will have one serving of edamame soy beans which is 100 calories & has shit load of protein. But if I cant then idk. I might just leave food dishes out and stuff and say I already ate a lot and I'm not hungry. It all depends if my mom is going into work today.
Megan Fox is 5'6 and 114, and I looove her body. And since im 5'5 if i was 109 I would probably be the same bmi and such. I still think I'd look fat but at least I'd have the consolation that we were the same

So yeah. Wish me luck my 0 followers.

I Suppose

That since I always seem to write on here before bed, and I get very like enthusiatsic and I always regret that I've eaten the day of, that if i write here in the morning I'll be wanting to tkae action to put my plan into action right away. You know?
So yaaay I'm going to start waking up at 5:15 instead of 5:30 and getting an extra 20 minutes of thinspo and blogging done so that I'm charged up for a day of ana. Because I really really need to be 110. Like now.
Hopefully gym tomorrow. Fingers crossed. I won't put down my day plan though, I'll do it in the morning so adios for now, and a little of my favorite thinspo, Kaya Scodelario. LOOOOOOVE HER

Who Am I?

I don't even fucking know anymore. I hate who I am and I don't even know who that is, or how I used to be.

I think, that I am, really, deep down, if I didnt try so hard to be someone else, an insecure little girl, who wants to stand out just to fit in. I know that I have always wanted to be different, but I've also always wanted to be pretty and skinny and popular. I mean now I don't want to be textbook popular, I know how shallow those girls are. But I still want to be well liked. I still want guys to like me and to have a lot of friends. I dont know. I don't know myself, but then I know other people so well.

I guess I would have to observe that I'm trying to be more fucked up than I am. I think I want to be messed up so I have a reason to fail, or a reason to make mistakes. You know? I don't. I want to get my heart broken, so that I have a reason for the fact that I dont have a boyfriend I guess. Because I'm so insecure that the person I wish I was, nice, pretty, funny, GOOD, effortless, is just the opposite of who I am. And I think that's because I know I could never be that person. But then I want so much to be loved. To be happy and proud of my boyfriend and how much we love eachother. But I guess that the person I've taught myself to be has been screwed over by guys that I can't even trust them. But it wouldn't matter because no one likes me anyways.

I just miss being innocent and young and I just want to be skinny and pretty and secure with myself. I know that I will be happier if I'm happy with a guy. But I also know that I won't be with a guy until I get over my issues with myself. But I can't! I can't get over how much I hate myself. I hate my fat thighs, and my fat arms. I hate my pudgey stomach, and my chubby cheeks, I hate how people tell me I'm skinny, but I can't believe them, that I KNOW that I am fat, and ugly and I just hate everything about myself. and I hate how nothing is changing. I hate how I can't resist food. I hate how I lost my 7th grade willpower to not eat. Look.

I was so small. My legs are sticks, my arms are sticks. What happened to me. And why can't I get that back.

Maybe I will be happy, if i change. Maybe if i spend a few weeks being quiet, not eating, lose the weight, then try and be less insecure. Try and be nicer. Try and be a better person. But the thing is, I'm scared to change who I am. I'm a really funny person. Thats the only thing I like about myself. But I'm funny because I'm loud, and I cuss alot, and I'm a bitch. I'm sure you know the type of person I am. Described like this, I sound kinda awful but I'm not. And anyone who knew me would know that the outer bitch is just to hide the insecure little girl inside. The way I can be a slut is just a way to hide the fact that I want to be loved. The way I act cold and uncaring is just a cover for the fact that I care so much and I'm scared to let anyone in.

I'm trying here. So hard. In everything. And it just seems like its not worth it. I have a sister, older I mean, who is smart without trying who is skinny without trying at all, her stomach is completely flat, 25 inch waist, and she hasnt done sports in 4 months because she has surgery, and she eats whatever she wants. Why aren't I like that? It's just not fair. I have to try soo hard and I still am fatter and uglier and stupider and no one even realizes how much I try or how much I care. And the thing is, even if they didn't I would deny it. I couldnt tell anyone or let anyone in.

But all my strength just isnt enough. I just have to try so much harder. And I will. I promise.

Busy

- Walk to Target (1 mile?) and just wander around, buy essentials such as detergent, neg calorie foods, vitamins, new mascara, get picked up to go home. Approx 1-2 hours of not being able to eat. Excuse that I ate at Target.
- Clean the bathroom(s). Approx 1 hour, takes away appetite, burns cals
- Clean room, vacuum, do laudry etc. Approx 45 minutes
- Blog, look at thinspo, sleep
- Watch tv, while drinking water and chewing gum to keep parents happy and un-suspicious
- If I get hungry, chug water to make myself feel sick, go upstairs, go on a walk, do sit-ups etc

Any more?

Is this it?

THE PLAN:
Monday: Go downstairs while no one is up and put bowl with cereal and milk out to look like I ate, school, come home & say I ate already, do all work upstairs as to avoid the lured of the kitchen, if I finish, clean my room, wash my clothes, go for a drive ETC, go to sleep before anyone bothers about dinner, do ab exercises and squats before bed.
Tuesday: same as far as breakfast and lunch, do work upstairs, get ready for practice AVOID THE KITCHEN, practice (-400), have a piece of toast (90) w/ half a tablespoon I Can't Believe It's Not Butter (+35), and half a tablespoon strawberry jam (+ 25=150), sleep
Wednesday: RESIST FOOD NO MATTER WHAT. thinspo all day. do not even enter kitchen. fake stomachache if necessary. be late as to avoid possibility of breakfast, say I ate at school, go STRAIGHT upstairs, clean bathroom if necessary, THINSPO, chug water before possibility of dinner. ab exercises at night.
Thursday: DO NOT BINGE, set out fake breakfast, pretend to eat at school, eat one piece of toast w/ jam and butter (+150), go to practice (-400), go to sleep before dinner
Friday: run late to avoid breakfast, sleep after school, or do homework, do not be downstairs, go out with friends when they finish school, eat dinner for energy, pasta or rice. (+400 approx)

DRINK WATER THROUGHOUT, at least 2 sports bottles per day.
SW: 120 GEW: 116-115
Games on weekend, no breakfast or lunch, carbs for energy for dinner Sat, breakfast Sun, no lunch or dinner. Same next week.
HOPEFULLY down to 110 in two weeks (GW1), down to 105 in three (GW2) then begin healthy eating.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GIVE ME THE STRENGTH TO STICK TO THIS PLAN AND LOSE THIS HORRIBLEFATDISGUSTINGUGLY FAT ON MY BODY

I am the walrus

I HATE LIFE.
So you ever wish that you could just be cold, uncaring. That;s what I want to be like. I know that I can seem to be like, to others, and I do. Nothing seems to affect me, Ice Queen. I can get completely fucked over and look like it didn't even matter. But inside I'm crying, inside I'm dying. I never want to admit to love. That's like admitting to defeat. And I haven't, I've never loved a guy, but then how can they still hurt me so much. Whatever. Because it wasn't even a guy. It was me. You know? No. You don't. I just wish I didn't feel, didn't care. I wish I was the person I project to others.

I seriously do. I'm down to 119 which isn't even good.And the doctor measured me as 5'5 1/2. It's still a 19% bmi. FATUGLYDISGUSTING.
Woo -_- My collarbones, hipbones, wristbones are all under layers of fat and I get bloated with even a sip of water. My thighs shake and theres barely a gap between them anymore. I can grab handfuls of fat on my arms and I practically have a double chin. Why do I see this? I can't not see this, but no one else seems to. Why are their eyes so broken.
I cant even describe how incredibly pissed I am right now. So I won't.
Whatever.
UGH.
No one reads this. I know. Ha so it really wouldn't matter if I did say the shit I'm going through right now, but I won't because I'm so fucking insecure that I can't even show weakness to a page on a website.
At least when I'm pissed at people and at life I don't eat. I just feel like, no, fuck it, people don't give a shit about me so why am I even here. people walk all over me and don't even notice so I'll make them notice. notice me fading away.
I WILL be the skinniest. That's it. Let them think they are better than me when I am 99, 98 pounds. They won't.
SO PISSED.

Anyways. For today:
Two spoonfuls of cereal, about 40
4 caramel candy things, 62
And I played a soccer game which is like -600 counting warm up and stuff.
So YES that's like an over 500 calorie deficit for today as long as I don't have to eat anything more. Which I probably will because I have another game tomorrow and my parents are the dinner nazis.
Which means I should be down 1 pound, if I don't have to eat, which normally I'd put straight back on but I've got waaaaaay more motivation now, and tomorrow is fasting, Monday is fasting & gym, Tuesday I have to eat something because I have practice and I'll probs black out, so maybe some dry toast or some negative cal foods.
And I have to go out and get vitamins and shit too.
Which I don't even know if I should take while fasting because I'm pretty sure it's shit to take them on an empty stomach. Hopefully it'll be fine to take them just on diet sprite and green tea. And if it's not then I'll just feel sick which is even more reason not to eat.
Doesnt it all seem so simple like this? It isn't.

My Plan

This is what I NEED to be beautiful.
ANd I need a job to get this all.
My parents are just so suspicious all the time.

Hair Growth:
B vitamins
niacin, b-3
b-6 and b-12
vitamin A- vegetables, eggs
vitamin C- citurs fruits, peppers
Healthy Skin:
vitamins C (500 to 1000 mg) & E (400 or less)
topical vitamin A
topical vitamin B
vitamin K
zinc and selenium
Weight Loss:
B2, B3, B5, B6
Choline, Inositol
vitamin C

Buy: GNC Womens Ultra Mega Beauty Pack, B vitamins (B3, B6, B12)
topical vitamins A & B

Food:
GUM
broccoli, cauliflower, hot chili, garlic, green beans, apples, grapefruits, oranges, tangerines, clementines
plain popcorn, pickles, hard boiled eggs, corn cob, peach, potatoes, fresh shrimp, sugar free jello, minestrone soup, peanuts, baby carrots, sweet potato, wasa bread, popsicle, pistachio nuts, goldfish, canadian bacon, soybean nuts

Drink:
v8, flavored waters, diet sodas

Movies:
Thin, Perfect Body, Hunger Point

Books:
Wasted, Holy Hunger, Perk!, My Sister's Bones, Passion of Alice, Kessa

Not the beginning

But my beginning here.
Weight: 121
Height: 5'5
God that's so fucking disgusting. I hate myself so much, everytime I look in the mirror or at the scale. Ill think I'm doing well when I fast for a day or so and then I'll walk past a mirror and want to run my head into it and use the shard to cut the fat off my body.
I cant find a tape measure but when I do I'll post my measurements.
So my school starts next Monday, I'm going to be a sophomore in high school. I really hate school. More than your average teen because I;m not your average teen. I like to think I'm much more mature. Anyways, I started my fast Sunday, but I'm failing horribly. I also play soccer, so I need energy for that, its club and it's pretty important to me. But skinny is more important. Way more important. But yes, Sunday, I was doing good all day, I was in my room reading ana blogs, and just plain old books (books are seriously my life, that and ana) and drinking water. I have one of those big plastic green gatorade bottles that like pro footballers always drink from? So i filled it up like twice. But then I went downstairs and ate 2 egg on toast for dinner. I felt so fat. Its maybe like 400 cals tops, because I have it on wheat and with I Can't Believe it's Not Butter, but its my weakness. I'm full english, living in America though, and I guess it just comes through. I guess i felt okay though because I'd burn that off on Monday at practice. But then Monday it was my sister's boyfriends birthday and I had some of his icing off his cupcakes. Do you ever feel like such a failure? Like life is just laughing in your weak face? That is how I feel all the time. I feel the food in my stomach, the fatdisgustingcalories churning and putting layers of fat on my thighs and stomach and arms and hiding my beautiful wrist bones and hip bones. But I can't stop.
Tuesday I did well. Maybe 100 calories, but much much more than I ever want to enter my body. Then today I once again fell victim to egg on toast. I did go to the gym though and did spinning, exercise bike, treadmill and elliptical. I can't endure for long though because of my lack of food energy. Ugh I just want to be thin. I just want to feel light on bony. I want people to hug me and feel my bones and want to be like me. I want to be THIN.

Hi

I'm new to blogging here. Well, I have a personal blogspot but I'm new to ana blogging. I'm not going to say my name because its super unique and no one can know I have an ED. I'm far from new to ana though. I've been ana, on and off, for as long as I can remember. I can recall being a little girl on vacation in Mexico, restricting my calories and sneaking into the gym because you were supposed to be 12 to get in. Ana has a huge old over my life. People who think you can't be ana on and off are totally wrong. Ana will always be there, lurking underneath, waiting for you weakest moment to strike at you. She is my dearest friend and my worst enemy, but I love her. And she is the biggest part of me. For the whole year, I have been embracing and rejecting and dancing a dangerous dance with her, gaining and losing and gaining and losing.
I'm not here to make you ana or to encourage anorexia, because I know the risks and consequences. I'm here for your support and because I need something to save me here. I just want to make it clear that ana is not a choice. Not for me. Ana is as much me as my arm or my stomach itself. And if you have a problem with that, or with my attempt at sanity, then leave. What brought you here in the first place?