COOL

WHEN DID ALMONDS GET SO MANY CALORIES.

fuck fuck fuck fuck i thought they had like none. fuck my life. ive been starving hungry all day and it turns out I've like 700 fucking calories. WHAT THE HELL.

I'm literally sooooo upset right now.
I hate my life.

Living thinspo

Right next to me. My sisters body is soo nice. She got my dad's metabolism.

I love not eating. I love denying food and saying that I've already ate, saying I've eaten so much today I'm not even hungry. I love how people dont know. Don't realize the battle raging in my head and stomach. Haha they are all so weak. They have no control. What do people expect to happen when they get older, no one has a metabolism like that forever. I'm always going to have ana. Shes always going to be here with me, keeping me thin, keeping me beautiful.

And they have nothing. No control over anything in their life.

No no no

fatfatfat

I guess I'm just a completely incompetent person. I used to be just so good at ana. I was the queen. I could hide it, use it, never ever binge. I used to laugh when people weighed over 100 pounds, telling myself I'd never get that fat. And look at me now. 120 fucking pounds. Oh yes, up one. Its so fucking disgusting, I;m so fucking disgusting.

I had my perfect little plan. SO neat and perfect and square and I ruined in, I colored outside the lines.

Home alone today, no school so I'm doing a liquid fast. Water and sprite Zero. I don't trust crystal light because it has calories and it tastes kinda gross to me. Food isn't even a question today. Food is Hitler, and calories are Nazis. I'm a Jew in hiding. Nice analogy actually. I like it.

The only highlight right now is I feel like I've taken, laxatives, & I havent. So I'm going to the bathroom like every 30 minutes. Which makes me happy, like a free colon flush. I actually have laxatives, but I can't take them because I have a game tomorrow morning and I will be total shit. So hope & hope that this actually matters. Because whenever I feel like all this effort is for nothing, I binge. And I WILL NOT BINGE.

I might go out today with my friend so then I can hopefully ask my mom for food money, and instead buy Wasted with it. I like the way thats works really. That would give me a lot of satisfaction. Using my food money for my anorexia.

Nice. Square. Color inside the lines.

Oh and ps. thanks to any followers :)

Hunger

It's coming :(
This is the worst time of the day for me. I have to get through this. So far all I've had is a sprite zero. Which might have like 5 calories or something cause nothing expect water really has 0 calories. But yeah just trying to get through. Looking through thinspo. I seriously love Megan Fox. How is she even so beautiful.
Anyway. The quotes I'm living off right now: Don't give up what you want the most for what you want in the moment.

EERRRGGGGHHHH.



GIVE ME STRENGTH

Morning

Let me tell you, I am shit at waking up early. Oh and I have a black eye from practice last night! -_- Wonderful. Really makes me look so much uglier -_-
Whatever. I have a huge test today in history that I barely studied for, which is so unlike me because I have to get an A+ in everything. I have to control everything.
But yes. Eating. For today the goal is a big, fat 0. I already have shit period cramps so that puts me off eating. I think I'm just going to go downstairs and put some cereal out like I ate some, and then study some more. Lunch I will say I ate at school definately. Its harder for me to do that though because I actually go home after 4th period, which is when lunch start, so my parents always think that I'm lying. Oh well. And then when I finish my homework I'll probably go to the gym. My knee is just PAIN right now from soccer but I'll do some weights or upper body stuff or something. Anything to burn calories. Then hopefully I'll be down to 117, and I just need to keep off what I've burnt.
I dont know about dinner though. I'm thinking that if I go to the gym, and burn over 100 calories then I will have one serving of edamame soy beans which is 100 calories & has shit load of protein. But if I cant then idk. I might just leave food dishes out and stuff and say I already ate a lot and I'm not hungry. It all depends if my mom is going into work today.
Megan Fox is 5'6 and 114, and I looove her body. And since im 5'5 if i was 109 I would probably be the same bmi and such. I still think I'd look fat but at least I'd have the consolation that we were the same

So yeah. Wish me luck my 0 followers.

I Suppose

That since I always seem to write on here before bed, and I get very like enthusiatsic and I always regret that I've eaten the day of, that if i write here in the morning I'll be wanting to tkae action to put my plan into action right away. You know?
So yaaay I'm going to start waking up at 5:15 instead of 5:30 and getting an extra 20 minutes of thinspo and blogging done so that I'm charged up for a day of ana. Because I really really need to be 110. Like now.
Hopefully gym tomorrow. Fingers crossed. I won't put down my day plan though, I'll do it in the morning so adios for now, and a little of my favorite thinspo, Kaya Scodelario. LOOOOOOVE HER

Who Am I?

I don't even fucking know anymore. I hate who I am and I don't even know who that is, or how I used to be.

I think, that I am, really, deep down, if I didnt try so hard to be someone else, an insecure little girl, who wants to stand out just to fit in. I know that I have always wanted to be different, but I've also always wanted to be pretty and skinny and popular. I mean now I don't want to be textbook popular, I know how shallow those girls are. But I still want to be well liked. I still want guys to like me and to have a lot of friends. I dont know. I don't know myself, but then I know other people so well.

I guess I would have to observe that I'm trying to be more fucked up than I am. I think I want to be messed up so I have a reason to fail, or a reason to make mistakes. You know? I don't. I want to get my heart broken, so that I have a reason for the fact that I dont have a boyfriend I guess. Because I'm so insecure that the person I wish I was, nice, pretty, funny, GOOD, effortless, is just the opposite of who I am. And I think that's because I know I could never be that person. But then I want so much to be loved. To be happy and proud of my boyfriend and how much we love eachother. But I guess that the person I've taught myself to be has been screwed over by guys that I can't even trust them. But it wouldn't matter because no one likes me anyways.

I just miss being innocent and young and I just want to be skinny and pretty and secure with myself. I know that I will be happier if I'm happy with a guy. But I also know that I won't be with a guy until I get over my issues with myself. But I can't! I can't get over how much I hate myself. I hate my fat thighs, and my fat arms. I hate my pudgey stomach, and my chubby cheeks, I hate how people tell me I'm skinny, but I can't believe them, that I KNOW that I am fat, and ugly and I just hate everything about myself. and I hate how nothing is changing. I hate how I can't resist food. I hate how I lost my 7th grade willpower to not eat. Look.

I was so small. My legs are sticks, my arms are sticks. What happened to me. And why can't I get that back.

Maybe I will be happy, if i change. Maybe if i spend a few weeks being quiet, not eating, lose the weight, then try and be less insecure. Try and be nicer. Try and be a better person. But the thing is, I'm scared to change who I am. I'm a really funny person. Thats the only thing I like about myself. But I'm funny because I'm loud, and I cuss alot, and I'm a bitch. I'm sure you know the type of person I am. Described like this, I sound kinda awful but I'm not. And anyone who knew me would know that the outer bitch is just to hide the insecure little girl inside. The way I can be a slut is just a way to hide the fact that I want to be loved. The way I act cold and uncaring is just a cover for the fact that I care so much and I'm scared to let anyone in.

I'm trying here. So hard. In everything. And it just seems like its not worth it. I have a sister, older I mean, who is smart without trying who is skinny without trying at all, her stomach is completely flat, 25 inch waist, and she hasnt done sports in 4 months because she has surgery, and she eats whatever she wants. Why aren't I like that? It's just not fair. I have to try soo hard and I still am fatter and uglier and stupider and no one even realizes how much I try or how much I care. And the thing is, even if they didn't I would deny it. I couldnt tell anyone or let anyone in.

But all my strength just isnt enough. I just have to try so much harder. And I will. I promise.

Busy

- Walk to Target (1 mile?) and just wander around, buy essentials such as detergent, neg calorie foods, vitamins, new mascara, get picked up to go home. Approx 1-2 hours of not being able to eat. Excuse that I ate at Target.
- Clean the bathroom(s). Approx 1 hour, takes away appetite, burns cals
- Clean room, vacuum, do laudry etc. Approx 45 minutes
- Blog, look at thinspo, sleep
- Watch tv, while drinking water and chewing gum to keep parents happy and un-suspicious
- If I get hungry, chug water to make myself feel sick, go upstairs, go on a walk, do sit-ups etc

Any more?

Is this it?

THE PLAN:
Monday: Go downstairs while no one is up and put bowl with cereal and milk out to look like I ate, school, come home & say I ate already, do all work upstairs as to avoid the lured of the kitchen, if I finish, clean my room, wash my clothes, go for a drive ETC, go to sleep before anyone bothers about dinner, do ab exercises and squats before bed.
Tuesday: same as far as breakfast and lunch, do work upstairs, get ready for practice AVOID THE KITCHEN, practice (-400), have a piece of toast (90) w/ half a tablespoon I Can't Believe It's Not Butter (+35), and half a tablespoon strawberry jam (+ 25=150), sleep
Wednesday: RESIST FOOD NO MATTER WHAT. thinspo all day. do not even enter kitchen. fake stomachache if necessary. be late as to avoid possibility of breakfast, say I ate at school, go STRAIGHT upstairs, clean bathroom if necessary, THINSPO, chug water before possibility of dinner. ab exercises at night.
Thursday: DO NOT BINGE, set out fake breakfast, pretend to eat at school, eat one piece of toast w/ jam and butter (+150), go to practice (-400), go to sleep before dinner
Friday: run late to avoid breakfast, sleep after school, or do homework, do not be downstairs, go out with friends when they finish school, eat dinner for energy, pasta or rice. (+400 approx)

DRINK WATER THROUGHOUT, at least 2 sports bottles per day.
SW: 120 GEW: 116-115
Games on weekend, no breakfast or lunch, carbs for energy for dinner Sat, breakfast Sun, no lunch or dinner. Same next week.
HOPEFULLY down to 110 in two weeks (GW1), down to 105 in three (GW2) then begin healthy eating.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GIVE ME THE STRENGTH TO STICK TO THIS PLAN AND LOSE THIS HORRIBLEFATDISGUSTINGUGLY FAT ON MY BODY