Today

Has been about 10 calories.
Just like 2 teeny slat & vinegar lays, while my parents were there so they got the impression i was eating, and now a stick of 5 cal gum. Which is delicious, but it lot the flavor so so so fast. Which I hate.
As long as I can keep myself from eating, it'll stay this much, no way will anyone make me eat today because I'm babysitting, 7-11:30 & I can just say I ate there.
BUUUUT they have good ass food and I know I'll be tempted to eat there. So fuck.

Epiphany

That I really dont' appreciate. At all.
I guess that one of the reasons I don't eat is because it'd the only way that I don't think about you. I think about calories, and whether anyone notices, and how I'll avoid eating dinner, or whether anyone notices. I htink about how fat I look and how much I hate my body.
ANd I'd rather be hating myself and be scared of looking in the mirror or at the scale than be thinking about you. And the worst part is, I don't even know how you feel about me. I haven't even talked to you in months & months and you never even explained. The worst part is seeing you and assuming that you don't see me. Knowing that I'M the weak one that I'M the one who still cares. And I don't even know if thats true.

fail

failfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfailfail
FAIL

Egg whites

are my new best friend. 17 calories in 1 egg white, scramble that shit, add some pepper or hot sauce, and its like 30 max. And it has protein. So woo go me.
Thats all I will be eatin. 3 a day max. And going to the gym, even though my legs are about to kill me and it's busy as fuck during the school year and I hate working out when people are around. Because everyone is like 18 & over, because you have to be to go there, but I use my sisters idsince she got surgery. So everyone looks at me because I look 15 -_-

I fit into my size 1 jeans today though. they were a bit tightish on the legs, but comfortable. Like I definately wouldnt wear them a lot because I'm sure I look fat but I feel good being able to fit in the comfortably. I will jsut stick to my 5 and have them look really baggy. It's fine with me because then no one will notice when my legs get even skinnier. And I have the 1's still so i can just say they are my 5's when they get baggy. Because they will.
I just really can jepordize my soccer, it's like the one things I'm good at. And I hate doing this and knowing that I'm letting my one talent go. But I need this, I need the control it gives me, because I'm not the absolute best player ever at soccer, if I was then I probably wouldn't need this. Becaust I have to be the "-est" at something. So now I'm going for skinniest.

I thought I could give it up

Stop, you know? My parents were getting suspicious, and I was sucking at soccer. So I try to eat normally and of course I love it while I'm eating. But after I just hate myself. But I could have handled that hatred. I think I coul dhave dealt with it and gotten over it. But this isn't just about food anymore. Its about control. I can't cntrol the features I'm born with, or the people who I fall in love with, or who fall in love with me, or the way my head works, or the fact tat I'm a perfectionist who keeps failing, but this is one thing I can control. I can control the fact that nothing solid can enter my body, I can make my body perfect and pure and empty and even though no one else will know how much control I have, I will.
And thats all that really matters.