Weight: 121
Height: 5'5
God that's so fucking disgusting. I hate myself so much, everytime I look in the mirror or at the scale. Ill think I'm doing well when I fast for a day or so and then I'll walk past a mirror and want to run my head into it and use the shard to cut the fat off my body.
I cant find a tape measure but when I do I'll post my measurements.
So my school starts next Monday, I'm going to be a sophomore in high school. I really hate school. More than your average teen because I;m not your average teen. I like to think I'm much more mature. Anyways, I started my fast Sunday, but I'm failing horribly. I also play soccer, so I need energy for that, its club and it's pretty important to me. But skinny is more important. Way more important. But yes, Sunday, I was doing good all day, I was in my room reading ana blogs, and just plain old books (books are seriously my life, that and ana) and drinking water. I have one of those big plastic green gatorade bottles that like pro footballers always drink from? So i filled it up like twice. But then I went downstairs and ate 2 egg on toast for dinner. I felt so fat. Its maybe like 400 cals tops, because I have it on wheat and with I Can't Believe it's Not Butter, but its my weakness. I'm full english, living in America though, and I guess it just comes through. I guess i felt okay though because I'd burn that off on Monday at practice. But then Monday it was my sister's boyfriends birthday and I had some of his icing off his cupcakes. Do you ever feel like such a failure? Like life is just laughing in your weak face? That is how I feel all the time. I feel the food in my stomach, the fatdisgustingcalories churning and putting layers of fat on my thighs and stomach and arms and hiding my beautiful wrist bones and hip bones. But I can't stop.
Tuesday I did well. Maybe 100 calories, but much much more than I ever want to enter my body. Then today I once again fell victim to egg on toast. I did go to the gym though and did spinning, exercise bike, treadmill and elliptical. I can't endure for long though because of my lack of food energy. Ugh I just want to be thin. I just want to feel light on bony. I want people to hug me and feel my bones and want to be like me. I want to be THIN.
