I HATE LIFE.
So you ever wish that you could just be cold, uncaring. That;s what I want to be like. I know that I can seem to be like, to others, and I do. Nothing seems to affect me, Ice Queen. I can get completely fucked over and look like it didn't even matter. But inside I'm crying, inside I'm dying. I never want to admit to love. That's like admitting to defeat. And I haven't, I've never loved a guy, but then how can they still hurt me so much. Whatever. Because it wasn't even a guy. It was me. You know? No. You don't. I just wish I didn't feel, didn't care. I wish I was the person I project to others.
I seriously do. I'm down to 119 which isn't even good.And the doctor measured me as 5'5 1/2. It's still a 19% bmi. FATUGLYDISGUSTING.
Woo -_- My collarbones, hipbones, wristbones are all under layers of fat and I get bloated with even a sip of water. My thighs shake and theres barely a gap between them anymore. I can grab handfuls of fat on my arms and I practically have a double chin. Why do I see this? I can't not see this, but no one else seems to. Why are their eyes so broken.
I cant even describe how incredibly pissed I am right now. So I won't.
Whatever.
UGH.
No one reads this. I know. Ha so it really wouldn't matter if I did say the shit I'm going through right now, but I won't because I'm so fucking insecure that I can't even show weakness to a page on a website.
At least when I'm pissed at people and at life I don't eat. I just feel like, no, fuck it, people don't give a shit about me so why am I even here. people walk all over me and don't even notice so I'll make them notice. notice me fading away.
I WILL be the skinniest. That's it. Let them think they are better than me when I am 99, 98 pounds. They won't.
SO PISSED.
Anyways. For today:
Two spoonfuls of cereal, about 40
4 caramel candy things, 62
And I played a soccer game which is like -600 counting warm up and stuff.
So YES that's like an over 500 calorie deficit for today as long as I don't have to eat anything more. Which I probably will because I have another game tomorrow and my parents are the dinner nazis.
Which means I should be down 1 pound, if I don't have to eat, which normally I'd put straight back on but I've got waaaaaay more motivation now, and tomorrow is fasting, Monday is fasting & gym, Tuesday I have to eat something because I have practice and I'll probs black out, so maybe some dry toast or some negative cal foods.
And I have to go out and get vitamins and shit too.
Which I don't even know if I should take while fasting because I'm pretty sure it's shit to take them on an empty stomach. Hopefully it'll be fine to take them just on diet sprite and green tea. And if it's not then I'll just feel sick which is even more reason not to eat.
Doesnt it all seem so simple like this? It isn't.
