I think, that I am, really, deep down, if I didnt try so hard to be someone else, an insecure little girl, who wants to stand out just to fit in. I know that I have always wanted to be different, but I've also always wanted to be pretty and skinny and popular. I mean now I don't want to be textbook popular, I know how shallow those girls are. But I still want to be well liked. I still want guys to like me and to have a lot of friends. I dont know. I don't know myself, but then I know other people so well.
I guess I would have to observe that I'm trying to be more fucked up than I am. I think I want to be messed up so I have a reason to fail, or a reason to make mistakes. You know? I don't. I want to get my heart broken, so that I have a reason for the fact that I dont have a boyfriend I guess. Because I'm so insecure that the person I wish I was, nice, pretty, funny, GOOD, effortless, is just the opposite of who I am. And I think that's because I know I could never be that person. But then I want so much to be loved. To be happy and proud of my boyfriend and how much we love eachother. But I guess that the person I've taught myself to be has been screwed over by guys that I can't even trust them. But it wouldn't matter because no one likes me anyways.
I just miss being innocent and young and I just want to be skinny and pretty and secure with myself. I know that I will be happier if I'm happy with a guy. But I also know that I won't be with a guy until I get over my issues with myself. But I can't! I can't get over how much I hate myself. I hate my fat thighs, and my fat arms. I hate my pudgey stomach, and my chubby cheeks, I hate how people tell me I'm skinny, but I can't believe them, that I KNOW that I am fat, and ugly and I just hate everything about myself. and I hate how nothing is changing. I hate how I can't resist food. I hate how I lost my 7th grade willpower to not eat. Look.
I was so small. My legs are sticks, my arms are sticks. What happened to me. And why can't I get that back.
Maybe I will be happy, if i change. Maybe if i spend a few weeks being quiet, not eating, lose the weight, then try and be less insecure. Try and be nicer. Try and be a better person. But the thing is, I'm scared to change who I am. I'm a really funny person. Thats the only thing I like about myself. But I'm funny because I'm loud, and I cuss alot, and I'm a bitch. I'm sure you know the type of person I am. Described like this, I sound kinda awful but I'm not. And anyone who knew me would know that the outer bitch is just to hide the insecure little girl inside. The way I can be a slut is just a way to hide the fact that I want to be loved. The way I act cold and uncaring is just a cover for the fact that I care so much and I'm scared to let anyone in.
I'm trying here. So hard. In everything. And it just seems like its not worth it. I have a sister, older I mean, who is smart without trying who is skinny without trying at all, her stomach is completely flat, 25 inch waist, and she hasnt done sports in 4 months because she has surgery, and she eats whatever she wants. Why aren't I like that? It's just not fair. I have to try soo hard and I still am fatter and uglier and stupider and no one even realizes how much I try or how much I care. And the thing is, even if they didn't I would deny it. I couldnt tell anyone or let anyone in.
But all my strength just isnt enough. I just have to try so much harder. And I will. I promise.
